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WhiteRose21
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Name: Jen(n)
Location: Wilmington, Delaware, United States
Birthday: 5/8/1986
Gender: Female
Interests: I just like having a good time
Expertise: ask me anything about phantom of the opera <3
Occupation: Student
Industry: Other
Message: message me
Member Since:
11/29/2004
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| I realize I officially hate my life.
I feel paralyzed, numb to the real world. I want to reach out and take grasp on my life but unfortunately I am being ripped back by responsibility. It would be unwise to move out because I would be in complete financial debt. I also hate to get settled in an area where I may not be staying. It's hard because who knows where i'll be. There is a possible job opportunity in the area, although not a secure deal, it looks promising. However, as good as news as this may seem, I can't make myself take the steps toward it. I suppose it goes with my doubt towards what I want that next step to be. The responsible decision would be to accept a job around the area and continue saving money and when the opportunity is right, move out. However there are several different factors that lead me astray and makes me have no clue as to what I really want. Who knows where Jason will be in a year. He could be anywhere from Boston, Maryland, Pennsylvania, Delaware or New Jersey. Not making it easy as to where I should go. Pending on what schools he is accepted to for graduate school and where he chooses, I have to make the decision on whether or not I will join him. Although joining him is the best decision for the relationship, I have to admit that I myself am not fully committed with the idea. I am excited to take that next step, and moving in with him would be great, but ideas and thoughts have been flying in my head about all the things I will miss out on by moving with him. Although being together there would be several positive and great memories to be made there will also be a loss of so many things that are a part of me. I already feel that my life and world around me is changing and it may never be the same again. It's as if my life was a jig saw puzzle and has been dropped on the floor. What worries me is that pieces may be missing forever and the puzzle will no longer be the same if completed. Even though college is a great learning experience and stepping stone into the real world, I find myself angry because for four years you discover yourself and who you are, and now your have to adapt to a new surrounding and once again discover who you are now that you're on your own. It makes me sad thinking that those years are now just memories and life may never be, for lack of better words, fun again. There are several paths and options that my life is being directed towards. The problem is, not one of those paths coincide and no matter what I choose I am also losing something. I would love to go off and live with Jason. However, moving wherever he goes to, in most places I will know no one and he will still be the student and I will not. Him and I are at two different places in our lives, and although it's not earth shattering, it will still be difficult. He will be a student for the next 6 years and living at school permanently making new discoveries in research and most importantly be extremely busy. It's a great deal to ask of me, to move up to be with him, when he alone will hardly have time for me. I find myself even more worried because I feel as though I am, if not the biggest, distraction in his life. I often wonder how great or brilliant he could be if I were not around. He won't listen to me of course, whether it be denial or just the fact that a student needs a social life, he will not admit to such claims made by me. The problem is, it's hard to be supportive when the fact is, I am a needy person. I would be kidding myself if I didn't admit that part of me wishes Jason was just graduating and getting a job. I know grad school is important, and I don't love him any less for going. I couldn't be more proud of him for taking that step in furthering his education and career! However, selfishly I just want to be near him more and the hard truth is, unless I go to wherever he attends for grad school, that simply won't be done. I love being near all my friends though. I have this dream you see, where I wake up and i'm renting a house with friends, have a good job, and most importantly Jason is no more than ten minutes away. If Jason went to UDel. this could be possible, however all my friends wouldn't be there. Ciara keeps asking me to move to Cape May with her. I have to admit, it would be pretty awesome to live with her again. I find myself missing so many things and she is definitely one of the things I miss most of all. Having that best friend always around was something I took for granted. The constant laughs and good times really made life great. It's sad to think also that unless I move with Cape May with Ciara I probably will never live with her again. I don't say never because you don't know what curve balls life will throw you, but using the word probably makes it seem more realistic. I know I shouldn't think like that but if there's one thing I learn through my job is that life is short. I am 22 and realize there are things I will already never be able to do again. So for now though I live at home.. in complete misery. Every second im home is a second of happiness i'm losing. I don't mean to sound dramatic, it's not delaware that creates this emotion, it's just living in this house. I feel as though i'm being treated as a child when i'm trying to be an adult. I could write forever, but i've already wasted this time writing this entry when I should be studying. Until the next time.. | | |
| Omg wow, I put my head down in shame for lack of updating in the xanga world. So much has been going on--and I dont even know where to begin. I suppose I should dwell in the present more so than the past. I've been sort of in a slump lately. Ive been so busy with work and piling on the hours, and with trying to keep up with friends and my oh so amazing boyfriend.. I am beat. I feel terrible with being so busy because I feel as though some friends get put first while others are put on the back burner and thats not how I intend it to be. Unfortunately I havent found a way to divide my time equally among friends... Im also sort of upset because from the start of the summer I used to workout at at least 4 days a week (mostly 5-6 though)... and within these past 2 weeks i've run like... twice. I just havent had the time and the few opportunities that I get im too tired or plans come up and I cant do it. I need to get back to it though. I feel better about myself when I do run or workout.. because im not very good at dieting but working out im pretty good at. So we finished Kings Quest VI. I think that this movie was the most stressful to make but the movie did however turn out extrememly well. Timing was just the worst part this year and the weather wasnt so great either and it resulted in a few of the scenes not go according to plan but we survived. A few scenes I wish we could redo but all in all it's a great movie. It ended up being an hour and thirteen minutes which was way longer than I expected! When I saw that, I was afraid it was too long but in the end, after watching it, I cant even think of a scene i'd take out. The premier was really nice too. Ally's mom brought a cake, and got me, ally, steph and jessica flowers which was really nice. Unfortunately I didnt take any pictures because everyone else was but no one has posted them yet so I am very eager to see them. In anycase, I once again was filled with several great memories with making the movie <3 It was a great finish to a trilogy <3 These past 2 weeks I have been in charge of the health care's activities because the director was short staffed and so she asked me to fill in. Its been a great. I'm sad its over. If they could pay me reguraly I would work there all the time. I always thought that I wouldnt work in the healthcare department for my future but I really do enjoy working with them because I feel they need the most help. Its very rewarding. Although I am getting extremely close with my residents over in the independent living side it just makes me feel more open minded about my career choice. I stood inline to get the Harry Potter Book. Its taking me a while to read it though. I havent been able to devote that much time to reading it though but I dont want to rush it. I'm about half way through right now... im trying not to go on any blogs in case something is revealed. Alright well I dont really know what else to write! later days peace <3 | | |
| sigh..
I feel really out of it. I guess its just been one of those weeks or days even.
I havent felt so good. Ive been feeling nautious a lot which has not been great. Today was exspecially not so good. i know that im most likely not going to get sick but im getting tired of feeling this way.
Jean's been home for less than 24 hours and she's already starting to annoy me. I am trying to stay clear from her path so she doesnt sit me down and ask whats wrong. God damn I hate that.
I think im just wanting a vacation? maybe? we'll see
Work has been tiring. Ive been talking to my manager like every day about the attitudes of some of my other employees.. its been frustrating because most of the employees treat the residents very poorly and have a lot of disrepsect towards the management. Unfortunately my new manager Ron has been put in a hard position because Forwood Manor has gone a long time without good management and the employees have started to be their own boss.
i just dont understand how some of the employees can work with the residents and treat them so badly. I get really excited when the residents say such good things about me but it makes me sad because its mostly because when me and some of the other college students go away they're back to getting poor service. It was cute though, one of my new favorite resident couples I have been really getting close with and when they had family come in they introduced me to them all and today they called me over and we talked for like 20 minutes. They say they look for me every day! I love them :)
In anycase, life has been okay. things are going pretty well and I cant really complain.
I just feel a bit down... and a little upset.
Some other things have been on my mind too but I havent decided if its really serious or not. I guess sometimes the little things can bother me the most but maybe in a few days it wont be so bad.
Anyway this was random but I felt the need to post.
peace <3 | | |
| So its KQ Fever.
We filmed our first scene the other day. It turned out realy well too so that was exciting. I just hope that the rest of filming goes this smoothly. But Ally and I have been talking about KQ nonstop and we're really psyching ourselves up for when Steph gets here. :)
Anyway..
theres been a lot of talk about york lately. just going back and all. part of me is excited to go back while the other part of me... well the other part of me isnt. its the last year and all so of course theres high expectations and theres a lot I want to do but with our group being semi divided... I dunno, it could just sort of suck. I just wish things could be like they used to be.. before the drama, before the fights, and before wrong doings.. back to when everyone was friends and we all got along. sigh...
I just cant believe how fast summer is flying by. I mean June is going to be over in 11 days and I feel as though July is going to fly by and the first 2 weeks in August i'll be busy vacay'ing all over then it seems like BAM packing and back to York.
I hope it can slow down.
I just cant wait til I can get down to the beach. Its raining right now and I just remember the times at the beach when you can watch the thunderstorms and play games. Oh good times.
Well im up to season 5 of friends (half way thru) so ill be off.
peace <3 | | |
| So whats knew.
Ive been working a lot... this week however my hours have been cut a bit so I wont be as busy or burned out. Work has been nice though.. plus they've been testing me out in different departments such as being a dietary assistant in assisted living and working the casual dining for independent living so its been a learning experience. I've gotten to also during my breaks (when im not running errands) to get over to Health Care and visit some of my old residents.
I also downloaded the Pirates 3 soundtrack from itunes so ive been listening to that constantly. the score is just so great. I gave Ally a copy and she is addicted to it too. We both are really psyching ourselves up for KQ. We've been planning out and designing a lot of our scenes. What will be a little difficult is that there are a few bigger characters and me, ally and steph cant play them so we are a bit more dependent this year on other people. Even though I do play several characters none of mine are really all that important but ill get to be more in the control of filming and directing so thats fun for me.
Jason & me, when on a double date with Ally and her friend Brian. We went to Bertucci's (saw christine & lindsay :) then we went to see the movie Knocked Up which was surprisingly good. I didnt expect to like it but I did.. I did however think that they were going to show more of life after the baby but right when she had the baby it ended. There was a lot of unnecessary drug content but it was still a good movie. Jason and I also tested out the video camera and did some editing on the Mac. Im addicted to it now. We would add music, sound effects and visual effects like rain or fog. I cant wait to edit KQ now.
I went up to York last night to celebrate my friend Lisa's 21st birthday w/Ciara. Her and her roommates have a house on Jackson Street. I saw the house and it made me really jealous. It was really nice. it was three floors. You walk into the living room and farther back there is a dining room and a set of stairs, then a doorway leads you into the kitchen and a bathroom. The second floor has three bedrooms and a bathroom and the third floor had 2 bedrooms. All the rooms were really unique. Rachael's room has a balcony and a random sink in the room (but no closet), Abby's room had a beautiful window seat, Laura's room is huge (I didnt get to see Brittany's room) and Lisa's room is really small. So I wonder how they decided who gets what room? In anycase it was nice that it was their house (in walking distance of the school) and that they could do whatever they want (like drink). I wished I would have pushed more for off campus housing but Ciara couldnt get some money because this scholarships gives her money as long as she lives on campus so I couldnt leave her but I was still jealous of seeing the house.
Anyway, when we were up there it was only Lisa, Abby, and Rachael (lisa didnt know that Ciara and I were coming up, Abby wanted it to be a surprise) So that was fun. When we got in she opened her gifts from us (we got her a 4 glass martini set w/green apple martini mix, then a 6 glass margarita mix with margarita mix too, and some jewlrey). Then the drinking started--- we played screw the dealer and drink master... I drank like 4 glasses of Baybreeze at the house (Cran. & Orange Juice mixed with Malibu) then we took like 3 shots of this... stuff that I forgget the name. Then at midnight, Abby's dad took us to this bar/club. That was fun! We took shots from test tubes and you got to keep the test tube and with each one you got a glow bracelet. Then we all had 2 more baybreezes, and I had my first ever shot of tequila... all I have to say is DAMN thats strong. I didnt think I was actually going to hold it down.. but I did. I tried sex on the beach too which was really good. Then we just danced the night away.. they had cage/platforms and it reminded me of senior week. I was pretty far gone that night. Some parts I barely remember. It was fun though. I remember being a bit nervous because I didnt really know Abby too well and Rachael and I werent ever that close but maybe it was the alcohol but we all got along fine. When we came back I barely got any sleep..
So Ciara and I left in the morning because she had to get back.. I sort of have just been lounging around a bit hung over and all. But as the day progressed and I got some food in me I felt better. I went to the movies today and saw Oceans 13 with Matt too. That was fun, although he was sort of sick and I was still pretty tired. The movie was good though, not as good as the first but I liked it better than the second. Jason is coming over now though... so I should head out.
peace <3 | | |
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